Journal from 2023
February 8, 2023.
I’m glad E likes that I write about him.
I love the sun and the dogs and the backyard.
I feel like I have to feel and articulate everything for everyone else because they’re not as sensitive or self-aware as I am, and they’re not writers. I have to feel and remember.
February 4, 2023.
Just shutting off my brain, opening my heart, letting the words flow onto the pages.
I can fully open up to my creativity and not limit myself. All the little desires I tried to shove away for another lifetime.
The desire kept coming back and I kept examining it until it made sense.
I love how the familiarity between us grew and relaxed me.
I’m just living life being my authentic self.
I like when E reaffirmed that we’re both Gemini’s and both very opinionated. It made me feel more comfortable sharing my opinion.
Things seem to move too slowly.
I want only intentional sound.
I miss Zach.
I’m tired of normies. I want to be able to be weird and open. I want spiritual friends who are comfortable with death and manifestation. I’m bored by too much of the real world.
January 31, 2023.
It’s just a difference in who we are and what we want.
Read a book. Expand your area of influence. Try on a different thought or belief.
I feel like I’m in a vaccum right now. I want experience, insight, growth. I want to see what I can learn.
I’m an entreprepneur. I don’t need another bullshit job. I need to be confident and sell my work.
I’m on my way. I’m going to be successful. It’s going to work. Don’t give up.
I’m willing to let the past burn.
I want to be more in the world, be more involved with people.
When you start writing, it uncovers a lot of new shit. It’s interesting. I love it.
I just want to re-read my favorite books right now. Re-reading books feels very clean to me. I can catch things I miss, not worry so much about all the quotes. It just feels good.
I like solitude and solving problems.
It’s time for me to be an entrepreneur. I can’t be anything else anymore. This is my path. Time to own it.
Don’t put all your self-worth into your work.
Stable simple faith.
I can do this. I believe in you. Don’t give up. Keep fucking going. I love you.
January 30, 2023.
I want to be a full time writer.
I want my time to be my own, to make my life beautiful.
The way of breath and water.
For the conversation and connection and insight and growth.
I just want to make this all work. I can’t get another bullshit job. I’m too far gone down the writer path.
I’m going to write amazing books. I’m going to be unstoppable.
Start where you’re at.
Everything is working out.
Don’t go back to the dark cave you crawled out of.
January 29, 2023.
Let all the fear go and step forward with confidence.
Don’t wonder about the end. Welcome the present moment.
I love being with E. He makes me feel very accepted.
I want to write and finish books. I want to be well known as an author.
January 28, 2023.
It’s best not to assign meaning to these subtleties.
I deserve love and respect.
She built an empire out of nothing.
They’re good markers of her journey.
I’m glad I have such a good foundation.
I just want to write and publish, write and publish.
I want everything to be a book.
Take it slow.
Finish the book. Start the next one.
I don’t want my work to exist in a vacuum. Get it out there. Bust out.
This is a doable and possible life path.
One step at a time to build a legacy.
January 26, 2023.
I still can’t believe he’s gone.
I need a new meaning now.
I’m not going to bury this desire anymore.
January 25, 2023.
I love that he called me “the writer.” Just keep owning that title, day by day.
January 21, 2023.
I’ve made up my mind. I’m a writer, and I’m not straying from that path. This is all I want.
Trust my intuition and my initial flow.
It’s so nice having a friend who’s growing and healing and trying.
I want to see my natural storytelling start to emerge, see what raw materials I have to work with. I love my words. I want to share them. It’s okay if I repeat myself. I have to get it all out as much as it needs to be said, and I’m trusting that there will be an eager reader to receive it every time.
It feels so good to be growing together, to be healing.
All the work I’ve done on myself has not been in vain.
Everything has been changing and growing. I’m going somewhere.
I’m worthy of being paid for my work.
Keep these dreams always in front of you. Keep these dreams alive.
January 18, 2023.
Just don’t overthink it. Just get started.
I love seeing people become passionate about a subject and taking it to its absolute limits. The world is more beautiful and much better off with people like that in it. I want to go farther with my writing. I want to be obsessed and all in. I need to. I can’t handle another job attempt. I’m becoming a fucking writer.
I NEED to sell something. I have a deep soul urge to sell my work and be an entrepreneur.
I love that E started telling me he values me.
Keep going. It’s all going to add up and overflow. Trust the process. Keep going.
I need to let go of fear of growth.
I have too much I want to accomplish to let the bullshit from my past hold me back.
I want to be healthy and to evolve.
We’re all connected and cared for and in this together.
January 16, 2033.
All this good energy is going to add up and overflow.
I’m trusting myself and I’m trusting the process.
January 14, 2023.
I want to feel brave and bold with putting myself out there.
The energy has been exchanged. Bless it, thank it, but don’t allow it to clog up your own energy.
Everything is improving and clearing up. Just be patient.
I’m finally figuring this shit out.
I want to feel safe and clean and peaceful. I want things to get more simple and more aesthetic every day.
I’m not settling.
January 8, 2023.
Feeling more in love with E. I’m enjoying the slow stable build, not the hormonal head rush.
I’m just so curious about people in the world. What they’re doing and what they want. And the bridge between.
I don’t cuss like I used to.
January 7, 2023.
I’m so excited to be building this life with him.
Everything is in flux.
I’m trusting that life is always getting better for me.
Journaling feels kind of dull today.
Just keep flowing and feeling.
I want light and warmth.
I want to feel inspired. It’s so frustrating when your inspirations or your loved ones just fall flat of what you know they can accomplish.
I want things to have a good old fashioned vibe.
Always looking for my brother in quiet pockets of the world. In the middle of words (“eg-zach-tly” “tran-zach-shun”), in unexpected melodies. I want him back but all I get are scraps.
I’m glad I’m letting go of my fear and stepping into the destiny I know I’m meant for.
I love being loved and seen. I love my relationship with E. I love the spectacular beauty of life.
January 6, 2023.
It feels like we’ve been together for so much longer. He is a seamless part of my life. I love how the energy in my life cleared space and swallowed him whole. He had no choice but to be in my life. I love what we have together.
I need better words. I want to get better at using words.
Just be patient and keep adding good things into my life.
All the faith I’ve been carrying is finally proving to be justified. Everything I’ve believed in is finally happening. I feel it, I see it, I trust it, I fucking know it.
January 5, 2023.
This is the stuff I need to forgive and release.
I want to get to that point with him.
I’m writing magical spells.
January 4, 2023.
I liked watching his face as I talked on the phone. I felt like he got to know me better just by listening to my half of the conversation.
Just let things process. Good things are happening.
Changing your life isn’t for the faint hearted.
January 3, 2023.
Proud of J for learning and unlocking himself.
I need to open up to more.
I’m growing into myself.
Connect more with myself so I can connect more with him.
There’s just so much I want to do and experience.
Keep going. Return to the page.
January 2, 2023.
I felt a very strong kinship to her story. If she can do it, I know I can do it.
Just need to breathe deeply and have intentional thoughts.
January 1, 2023.
Honest, unpolished, simple.
Just good simple intentional moments no matter where you are.
We’ll get there later this year. It’ll be lovely and glorious.