Going through the phases
Life has been interesting lately.
Sometimes I go through these phases where . . . I’m not sure quite how to explain them, but they feel like an evolution of sorts. Which, before it feels good, it feels like shit. Basically everything feels weird, I feel like I’m lightly tripping on mushrooms 24/7, up feels like down. It’s sort of like a spiritual journey, dark night of the soul, caterpillar in a cocoon kind of thing. It feels super uncomfortable and I don’t know what I believe anymore and my writing feels kind of foreign to me and I’m crying and raging a lot.
It’s weird because simultaneously, the rest of my life is super normal. My relationship with my boyfriend is amazing (4 monthiversary today:))))). Rock climbing is amazing (I’m SUPER close to getting my first V7 and I know I’ll be able to get it later this week). Certain things still feel normal and stable and good.
But then when I’m alone, at my parents’ house, doing writing stuff, everything gets pretty uncomfortable. This is because I’m working on breaking patterns around my writing, being financially supported by my writing, my relationship with my parents, and creating a stable living situation for myself without my parents. I didn’t necessarily choose to start doing all this, it kind of just became too uncomfortable to ignore any longer.
If this isn’t making any sense, this essay I wrote in August 2022, “The heat and the flood,” is partially about working through patterns I had regarding romantic relationships and kind of gives a bit of an insight around how chaotic and emotional and weird this work can feel. But it’s effective. Just a few months after I sat with that discomfort and pushed through to the other side, I started dating my now boyfriend. I broke some repeat patterns and beliefs I had around relationships that was keeping me from experiencing a good relationship, and here we are. <3
This is essentially what I’m trying to do with writing and money and moving out. It’s hard for me to write or keep in touch with long distance friends (I’m sorry that I’ve ghosted you!) while I’m going through all this, but I just need to push forward and say what I’m able to.
No matter how ragey I’m feeling right now, I know it’s a pattern, I know it’s for a purpose. If you’re going through something similar, don’t give up! Amazing things are on the other side. Let’s keep going.
In the midst of this personal evolution, here’s a bit of lightheartedness: I made a new Instagram! I deleted all my social media two years ago and it has been extremely refreshing and peaceful and necessary to be away from it all, but I started getting the urge to be back on IG again for the connection and creative outlet. You can follow me here at @allythewriter. Not sure when I’ll start posting, but expect to see journaling excerpts, writing updates, rock climbing videos, and day in the life vibes. I want it to be an encouraging space for other creatives, but also a little bit of self indulgence lol.
Anyway. I wanted to stick to my usual newsletter formula but BLARGHHH I’m not a formula right now and I need to be a little messy. We’ll see how things look by next week.
Trust the journey. Trust yourself. You’re on the right path.
I love you!
“Hey kid, don’t quit your daydream yet.”
– Mark Hoppus
I love you